Boys and girls, find a friend. This is it!
Ten, nine, eight, seven...
six, five, four, three...
two, one...
So...
make any resolutions?
No. You?
No. I figure that stuff is a bunch of crap anyway.
- You do what you do, right? - That's right.
Old Egghead would've blown a gasket seeing us here tonight!
You're good, aren't you?
I can carry a tune.
You're better than that.
I saw you guys once.
You and Frank.
At the Roosevelt.
Must've been a cheap date.
Soap convention.
Soap?
Yeah, they got a convention for everything.
The guy was some big roller in suds.
At least he was clean. Some guys you wouldn't believe.
The older ones, they weren't so bad.
Nice. Polite.
Pulled you chair out for you.
But the younger ones...
It wasn't so bad. I'd get a nice piece of steak,
flowers, sometimes even a gift.
Usually whatever the guy was into.
I got a set of socket wrenches once.
Guy looked at me like he'd given me 4 dozen roses.
But I stayed at the Hartford one time.
You should see the rooms. All satin and velvet.
And the bed...
royal blue, trimmed in lace clean as snow.
Hard to believe a room like that don't change your life.
But it don't.
The bed may be magic,
but the mirror isn't.
Still wake up the same old Susie.
I didn't always.
You know, I mean...
if I liked the guy.
I never liked the Hartford much myself.
My neck, it's so tight.
Usually singing relaxes me.
But tonight...
Thanks.
You'd make a hell of a fireman, you know that?
Do you practice that at home with a stopwatch?
I didn't want to wake you.
I'm an early riser.
I didn't expect you to buy be a corsage this morning.
Your high school ring is safe.
Shit!
That takes care of the week of the 5th.
After that, we got the Avedon or the Plaza, 4 day turn.
What do you think, Jack?
You with me, Jack?
The Avedon's a dump.
There's no cover, no minimum. They water their drinks.
Strictly the Fuller Brush crowd.
It's not that bad. Besides, Blacky Carson books the Avedon.
He's always been good to us.
- He hasn't been that good. - Okay, we'll take the Plaza.
- Then the Capri flor 5 days. - Not the Luau Lounge again.
What the matter? They don't salt their peanuts?
Singing "Feelings", knee-deep in paper orchids
and plastic Tiki lamps
is not my idea of a fun evening.
Fun? Who promised you fun? We get paid, remember?
I'm saying, maybe we should vote on it.
Maybe we should ask Jack what he thinks.
I don't have to. I know what he thinks.
It's 5 days, the money's green. We're there.
Speaking about "Feelings", you might brush up on the lyrics.
The other night, you sang the first verse twice.
Really?
That explains the gasps I heard from the audience.
We trashed the Avedon, the Luau. What's your beef with "Feelings"?
Nothing.
Except, who cares?
Does anybody really need to hear "Feelings"
again in a lifetime?
It's like parsley.
Take it away, nobody knows the difference.
"Feelings" isn't parsley.
To you, "Feelings" may be filet mignon.
To me, it's parsley. Less than parsley.
Look, "Feelings", despite what you think ofl it,
is always a bright moment and a crowd-pleaser.
Consequently, we have an obligation to perform it.
The audience would be disappointed.
They weren't crying on New Year's Eve.
You passed over "Feelings"?
Yeah.
And...
"Bali Hai" went out with the bath water, too.
I see.
The cat goes away and the mice take over the orchestra.
Hey,
I ain't no mouse.
That's right. You're parsley.
This food's been sitting here too long. It's making me sick.
Why don't you loosen the leash?
Let's not let a whiff of perfume blow off 15 years. Be reasonable.
I play 300 nights a year with you. Is that reasonable enough?
Can I have a double vodka, please?
I was in the neighborhood.
Listen, don't get nervous. I just came by to...
talk.
I guess you found him, huh?
Yeah.
I came to walk Eddie.
Come.
Terry's Tap Room.
First gig we ever played.
The owner gave us that bottle, but wouldn't open it.
How come?
Told us to save it.
He said someday it would soften the edges of the bad times.
And make the good ones seem even better.
We should've drunk it before we played Terry's Tap Room.
Want some coffee?
You want to leave?
Listen.
The reason I came last night is...
I'm thinking about leaving.
The act.
I met this guy at New Year's at the Hotel.
And he liked my voice.
He thinks I can sell cat food just by singing about it.
It's crazy, huh?
Take it.
I haven't decided yet. I'm just thinking about it.
No, take it.
How long have you been taking care of the kid upstairs?
I don't take care ofl her.
Didn't look that way to me.
What's the difference?
Anyway, I know Frank has us booked through March.
Don't worry about Frank.
What about you?
What's that to do with anything?
Nothing. I don't want to leave you guys with an empty mike.
There's always another girl.
Right.
Thanks for the advice.
I'll think it over.
I told Frank I'm quitting.
Congratulations.
As of now.
If you need a recommendation, you let me know.
Jesus you're cold! You know that?
You are like a fucking razor blade.
Careful, you'll have me thinking you're going soft on me.
You don't give a fuck, do you? About anything.
What do you want from me? To tell you to stay?
Beg on my knees for you to save the Baker Boys from doom?
Forget it, sweetheart.
We survived for 15 years before you strutted on the scene.
Two seconds and you're bawling like a baby.
You should be wearing a diaper, not a dress.
You and he are brothers, aren't you?
Let me tell you something.
They've dropped like flies. We're still here!
We've never held a day job in our lives.
He's an easy target, but add it up, he's done fine.
Yeah, Frank has done great.
He has the wife, kids, little house in the suburbs.
While his brother lives a shitty apartment with a sick dog,
Little Orphan Annie and a chip on his shoulder size of a Cadillac.
Listen, Princess. We fucked twice, that's it.
Once the sweat dries, you still know shit about me.
I know one thing. While Frank put his kids to bed,
little brother Jack was dusting off his dreams.
I was there.
I saw it in your face.
You're full of shit. You're a fake.
Every time you walk in those places,
you're selling yourself cheap.
I know all about that. I find myself at the end of the night
with some creep, and I tell myself it doesn't matter.
You kid yourself you've got this empty place inside to put it.
But do it long enough and all you are is empty.
I didn't know whores were so philosophical.
At least my brother's not my pimp.
I had you pegged for a loser the first time I saw you.
But you're worse.
You're a coward.
My name is Frank Baker
and you know my brother Jack.
My brother and I have been playing together for...
I don't know.
Jack?
31 years.
But of course, back then...
it was a little different.
We were just kids.
The only one who'd listen to us was the family cat, Cecil.
We must've shaved two lives off that cat, huh?
Sorry.
We're not getting paid then.
I told you, it's a telethon. No one gets a cent.
What's it for?
I don't know, some disease.
What channel is it on?
71.
71? What is 71?
A channel, just a little further down the dial. It's publicity.
Publicity's publicity, right?
Right.
I'll see when we're on.
What's wrong with the kid.
Tore his knee playing St Joseph's just before the accident.
Accident?
The fire.
Rate we're going, we'll be lucky to buy jockstraps, let alone a gym.
Earl the pearl!
We're on after Mr. Basketball.
- Are you fucking kidding me? - What?
We're playing for a God damn gymnasium.
Let's hear it for Jimmy Marshall.
Most of you know Jimmy twisted that knee
trying to win one for good old Lahuga High this year.
Luckily, the doctors tell us that Jimmy will play next season.
That's where you come in. Pick up the phone. Make a donation.
Keep our kids off the street and into the gym.
All right!
Get your fucking hands off me.
We are pleased to have
two of the most respected men in the musical entertainment field.
The Fabulous Bunker Boys!
Come on, you guys.
Nice suits, fellas.
A lot of amateur musicians will wanna rap with these guys,
and as soon as they're finished, they'll be manning the phones.
All right.
What are we waiting for? Take it away, guys.
We know what that means. Time to turn the big board over.
I'm afraid you guys will have to wait a few minutes.
Jack!
I don't know about you, but I sense electricity in the air.
Alright, what do you think?
Okay, let's do it.
Play some music!
Go fuck yourself, bud.
Who the hell do you think you are, Liberace?
Are you okay?
We just passed the car, Jack.
Where the hell are you going? You going to talk to me?
Or is this Jack's famous silent act?
It was for publicity, understand?
- Publicity! - Are you a fucking moron?
It's three in the morning. Who's watching, paper boys?
I didn't know when we were on till yesterday.
- Basketballs. - Okay.
You had us playing for basketballs.
I screwed up, but that you don't walk out on a gig.
What?
It wasn't professional, Jack.
What's happened to you? Now you like kissing ass?
You let that guy turn us into clowns tonight.
We were always small time. We were never clowns.
What's happened to your dignity.
Who the hell are you to talk about dignity?
This where you get your dignity?
Let's do it straight for once.
I want to explain something to you, little brother.
There are people in this world who depend on me.
I got a wife and kids who expect to wake up
with food on the table and heat in the house.
I got a mortgage. I got car payments.
And I got you, my little brother Jack.
He's so hip, so cool and sure that he's better than everyone.
Don't you think I'd like to walk up to one of those assholes
and blow smoke in his face?
God damn right I would!
But I can't. I have to be responsible.
I have to make the numbers balance in my favor every month
so everyone else can go on living their lives.
There's no medals but you'd notice if I closed up shop.
Don't talk to me about dignity. You're playing a weak hand.
Terrific! Walk away.
You're good at that, Jack.
You never commit to anything. Even a conversation.
Is that what that was?
Felt like a speech to me.
Next time, save it for the PTA.
You couldn't keep your cock in your pocket.
Who I fuck...
and who I don't fuck is none of your fucking business.
It is when it effects my business.
- Your business? - Yeah.
It exists because of me.
You?
I make the calendar. I pay the expenses.
Christ, I even make sure your shoes are shined.
What do you do?
You show up for a couple of hours a night and smoke cigarettes.
If somebody requested "Chopsticks" you'd ask for the sheet music.
If not for me, you'd be playing for dimes from the back of a truck.
Yeah, you're a real pro, Frank.
You did a bang up job:
You had them paying us not to play!
That's fucking genius.
Asshole, what are you doing?
What the fuck are you doing?
That is it!
Jack!
Fucking little brother beat the shit out of you, huh?
Jack, my hand!
I'm through. I can't do it anymore.
You're one of those Fabulous guys.
- I remember. - I don't remember.
You can't kid me. I see you here every night.
That's why I took the job.
I come in, I see you and your brother's faces hanging there,
I figured it was a sign.
Like destiny.
How are you doing, Monica?
Well, only it's Blanche here.
Don't touch that.
That's three hours cold.
I've been standing over here waiting for you to wake up.
Finally I figured maybe you had an appointment.
Here you go.
Boy, it's weird, huh?
You meet someone, think you'll never see them again...
Guess you got caught in the rain, huh?
Yeah, I got caught in the rain.
What time do you punch out?
What?
What time do you punch out?
You're my last ticket.
Button up on the way home, Blanche.
It's cold out there.
Hi, Jack.
I took Eddie out.
Be sure to take that tux in. I can drop it off this afternoon.
Will you stop that, please?
Want me to make some coffee?
How about I make some eggs?
Knock if off with that thing.
You're driving me nuts.
Jack, you want eggs? Jack, you want coffee?
I can't baby-sit you every time your mama gets an itch.
What are you looking at?
You're having a bad day, right?
Right.
It's okay.
My mom had a lot of those. Sometimes that's why I came down.
What do you say...
we go over to the Empire and grab a couple of Coneys?
I can't. I'm going to the zoo with Howard.
Howard?
Mom says I can't call him Bigfoot anymore.
I think he's early.
Teach you later?
You gonna play "Jingle Bells" the rest of your life?
I have Tuesdays and Thursdays open.
They're yours if you want them.
- Everything goes. That the idea? - No...
I'm just getting too old for trophy dens.
Anyway, it's a good place for a workshop.
Workshop?
Yeah, workshop.
Hammers and saws and...
...things like that. - Let's cut the bullshit.
You came here to talk business, right?
We'll put the other night behind us.
In a couple of weeks, it'll be the same. Now you can go.
I'm not coming back, Frank.
Then what's there to talk about?
Frank.
Listen.
It's not you, understand? It's me.
I sit in the fucking Hilton or the Sheraton
practically every night of my life.
And the moment I get on stage, I can't wait flor it to end.
We play the same songs the same way every night.
I just can't do it anymore.
I've been lying to myself long enough.
You see anything you want, take it.
Okay if I take this?
Come on, Frank. I'm trying.
How's your hand?
My hand is fine. Don't worry about me.
I don't need this any more than you.
I can make just as much teaching "Camptown Races"
to snotty kids in the neighborhood.
Don't fool yourself.
Open it.
Open the fucking bottle.
Let's see what we got here.
We got the airport Ramada.
The Travel Lodge on 410.
And we got...
the Mallory.
I'll take the Mallory.
Forget it. I want the Mallory. You take the Travel Lodge.
Not bad!
When was the last time we played the Mallory?
'78, November.
It was someone's birthday. Hallorin?
His daughter, sweet sixteen.
How could I forget?
What a nightmare.
She asked for it.
I told Howard we didn't do vocals and he said:
"What my Sissie wants,
my Sissie gets".
She got it alright.
You're risking your life.
You got a gun?
Car you're leaning on belongs to a light heavyweight with attitude.
I'll take my chances.
You look good.
You look like shit.
No, I mean it. You look good.
I mean it, too. You look like shit.
So how's the cat food business?
Terrific. I'm doing vegetables now.
What kind?
Carrots,
peas.
None of the important ones.
You know...
the other night...
I was out of line.
No, I was out of line.
Well...
I was kind of rough on Egghead.
It beats the hell out of me, but I kind of miss him.
Well...
he grows on you, after a while.
So, did you find another girl?
I didn't look.
Well...
I'm going to be late.
Peas, peas, Try our peas.
Our peas are a delicacy.
From "Strangers in the Night" to that.
Funny world.
Well... bye, Baker.
Am I going to see you again?
What do you think?
Yeah,
I think I am going to see you again.
Intuition.